09 April 2006

How to survive 1st grade.




1. Don’t mess yourself.

If the desire to go to the bathroom hits, you must raise your hand to ask for the bathroom pass and then pick a partner to go to the bathroom with you.
A too complicated process.
You decided to just hold it in.
You are cutting out a Leprechaun mask. Your stomach rumbles. You ignore. You feel like you have to fart. You let out a little.
Uh oh.
It was not a fart.
You levitate a little.
What did you get yourself into?

“The cut around the beard of the leprechaun is the most important, no one can go anywhere.“
You’re in trouble.
You feel something go down a pant leg. You catch it with a tissue before it falls out. This happens two or three times. You cannot completely sit down now or else you’ll smash it.
You wait a bit.
You have to go to the bathroom. You call out to the teacher. You pick whomever.
Emily.

You slowly get up- you can’t have anything come out. You slowly walk out, holding your behind. You get to the bathroom. You take off your pants and your underwear and just dumped it all in the toilet. Emily senses something is wrong. She swings open the bathroom stall door and looks at your bare butt. You look at her like you do not know what to do and you need her help. She helps you. She helps you wipe your butt. As she’s wiping, you can’t help but like the attention a little.

Last week Tracy Sarantago threw up on herself and Mrs. Fried even gave her new clothes to change into and gave her permission to go home early. Maybe Mrs. Fried will give you new pants. You decided not to wear you underwear because it is badly soiled. You just wear your pants.
You hold up the messy underwear and march into class, a little proud.
Mrs. Fried walks to her closet, pulls out a plastic bag and tells you to put it in.
No new pants.
No going home early.
No special attention.
Just poopie pants.

2 Comments:

Blogger Anna said...

By far my favorite post yet! By the way, were you also pooing your pants when that photo was taken? You look like you're concentrating really, really hard. ;-)

6:53 PM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger Colin said...

Hahahaha, I have to agree with Anna, definitely my favorite post. And favorite story from your childhood. This telling of it is quite perfect. Wonderful ending.

Oh, Angel, how did you get so talented? Bacon, perhaps?

12:00 AM, April 12, 2006  

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