26 December 2006

How to make a Holiday ham.

1. Open a package of Oscar Mayer water boiled deli ham.
2. Lay it on a fancy plate.
3. Take some Country Crock butter and dab it on the ham.
4. Put it in the microwave for about 30 seconds or until the ham starts to explode.
5. Pretend you're a homeless child in a soup kitchen on Christmas day to make your ham more desirable to eat.

You are in Toys R’ Us. You don’t understand that store name. Because it will be Christmas, you can pick whatever you want says your parents. Anything under 40 dollars.

Start running to the Barbie aisle. Then stop.
Defy expectations.
Run to the Lego aisle. Then stop.
Remember how you can only build walls and coasters with Legos… maybe a nice 1- dimensional box?
The board game aisle. You love games.
But not if you’ll be playing it by yourself. One person Twister… not really challenging or fun.

You are at home and want to open your Barbie right away. The one that teaches 2nd grade and medicates dogs and can change her hair from blonde to rock star and she makes a mean liver casserole. Everyone thinks chicken liver is really gross but you really like it. Delicious.

You have patience.
Wrap that sucker up.

You look at your dingy Christmas tree with unmatching glass balls and socks. You call it Granny Rainbow Unicorn Fairy Dust.

You look at the bottom of Granny. One square-ish present that says, “Hello. I am awesome” on it.
You want more.

Let’s see. You got a pack of Hans underwear with mini butterflies on them the other day. Oooh and your My Little Pony band-aids. There’s a Christmas card that when you open it, it plays Joy to the World. That’s stupid. It’s not yours. You wrap it anyway. There’s a neon green marble notebook, pumpkin seeds, the Fine Young Cannibals CD, fine young cannibals, library card, book smarts, school of hard knocks, knock knock jokes and a tuna fish can. Kind of tricky to wrap.

You stand there proud with all your semi-well wrapped presents. So many presents. That’s what you really want…

What you really want are surprises. You want your parents to figure out that you longed for a box of slim jims and surprise you with them. But how can you tell your parents that. How can you say, “Hey Mom, Dad, I want a puppy and stocking stuffers like golden chocolate coins, coloring books, glow in the dark stickers, a stocking... but don’t tell me you’re getting it for me. In fact act like you don’t really care at all and when Christmas morning comes along, sneak those presents in. Also, write down that they are from Santa if you can. Thanks, that would be perfect.”

It’s Christmas morning. No one is up. You walk to your semi-well wrapped presents that say “Little Miss Loser.”
Open one slowly and meticulously.
It’s a tuna fish can.
What the fuck?
Who would give a child a tuna fish can for Christmas?

04 July 2006

How to celebrate America's Independence Day.

1. Plan a barbeque also known as BBQ in some countries.
2. Watch a baseball game.
3. Enjoy fireworks by the beach.
4. Kill a little bit of Asian inside you. America probably likes it that way.

Why America is A OK!

Independence Day means for this one day, and only this day, there are no laws, rules, guilt. You can do whatever your heart desires. INDEPENDENCE! That's why people usually do barbaric things like grill animals and watch baseball games. And at night there are fireworks, which represents the number of times something illegal was done that day like being anti-patriotic, running over a puppy, and saying the word poop.

Fireworks are sometimes not allowed because it can be dangerous, but that's okay. Americans show other safe ways to celebrate their country other than using the greatest invention China has ever made! Like parades, food, pies, aluminum foil, plastic silverware, lawnmowers, pride, increase gas prices, socks, Mexicans and guns.

But why the 4th of July people may ask. Well, it's because 4 + 7 is 11 and America is #1 two times. Once for winning wars and the other for inventing ice cream. Speaking of food- boy would you get hungry today. But it's not just about the heated meats- there's also hotdogs, beef salad, bacon cake and perhaps jello. I really love jello. One time I really wanted lime jello cause I wanted to put it in my pants and tell everyone I pooped out an alien but they only had red and purple jello, and so I had to choose the red one cause that's more greener than purple, duh, and I put that down my pants and said I pooped out America's legal system, but that didn't have the same effect.

But the major question really is: America- mixed salad or a melting pot? Hell who cares? As long as there's some white meat, bleach and a whole lotta high hate crimes! I'm happy!

Even if you can break as many laws as you want today. I just broke one law.
Loving the US of A too much.

Loves and Kisses, Angel Yau.

You got an A+ for that paper.
A for America.

28 June 2006

How to get married.

1. Find something old.
2. Find something new.
3. Find something borrowed.
4. Find something blue.
5. Find something to eat.

Finally. The perfect white dress. On the perfect day. With the
perfect company. Bugs Bunny, Lucy the headless ballerina and four
and half bars of ivory soap.

Sure it's a little early, but it's really never too early… for Halloween!

You are so excited that you try on the dress. You tell your Dad to
set up the video camera while you eat more soap bars.

You just want to say the words "I do" so bad.
That means you are a grown- up.
"Now Dad, you're suppose to say- do you take this loft fully wetted as a husband.
And I say I do.
And then you lift this white lace thing off my face.
And then you say now you are a bride.
And then I throw the bouquet.
And then I dance."
(Oh how you love to dance.)

"Who are you going to marry?"
"Will you take me as your loft fully wetted husband?"
"Ew, no Dad, it's not like that."
"Then, what is it like?"
"Do you take Mom?"
"No. No."
"Then who?"

You forgot about that part. Think. Who do you know? You want a
male. That eliminates half. You want someone around your age group.
You want someone that you talked to and had fun with. Someone you've
known for at least a few days? Right? Is that it? Yeah that about
simmers it down to one person.
Your cousin, Vinny*.
"Um, I think Vinny…"
"Vinny! Hahaha."
"Do you take Vinny as your husband?"
"I do."
"You like Vinny?"
Your face turns red.
You hide it under your white lace thing.
You wish you had said you would marry your mom.

* Name has been changed for protection.

19 June 2006

How to be a ninja.

1. Learn Chinese Kung- Fu.
2. Jump really high.
3. Hate power rangers.

“Nobody move!”

The masked man pulled out a gun and pointed at everyone on the bus. The Q41. “Nobody move… except for Mr. Bus driver, keep driving… nobody move, give me all your money. Put it in this big bag with the money sign on it.”
Someone screams.
“Shut- up! Or I’ll eat your brains!”
You stumble. You catch his eye. He grabs you. “If you people don’t hurry… I’ll shoot this girl.” You glance at the gun. There was a sticker on it. It says Made in Toys R’ Us. You take the risk. You grab his arm, twist it around, drop down on the floor, do a swing kick, grab his gun, he falls to the ground, you step on his chest, point the gun to his face, while everyone cheers and cops show up out of nowhere and arrest the masked fellow.

You are a phenomenon. A little kid saves a whole bus. All over the news, they ask you, why you were so brave. You say to them, “It’s quite simple really- I saw his gun was a fake-he was a fake- so I just use my skills to beat him.”

Sometimes you are a power ranger. Sometimes instead of a bus, you are on a spaceship.

Sure to others you may seem like a scrawny little four-eyed dweeb but you know you have it deep down inside you. Fighting powers. One day that will happen. Fame. Saving lives. You love to save lives. It’s your 2nd fave hobby.

“I want to be her.” You point to Trina, the yellow ranger. “Why do you want be her? They already got one of yous,” your mom says. You look at her confused. “You probably could have been though, you know your Dad was offered to be in a movie with Jackie Chan before he was famous in the states back when your Daddy was a teen.” “Why didn’t he take it?” “Maybe because he thought Jackie Chan was ugly? I don’t know.”

Your Dad opens a Kung- Fu school right next to your dance school and your music school. You go to it because there is nothing else to do on Saturday afternoons and you figure you can use some ninja practice. But you hate learning from your Dad; it’s like learning math from your Mom. Unbearable. And with other kids around? Embarrassing! Good thing they won’t be able to tell you’re Kang’s daughter.

It’s time for the daily meditation.
Sit Indian- style.
Close your eyes.
Face you palms against each other.
Clear your mind.
Clear your mind…. Clear….
Chocolate ice cream. Sweet sweet chocolate ice cream. You can’t wait to go home.

It’s your turn to kick the kicking pad your Da… Master… no that’s silly... your Dad is holding. He lowers the pad. What? C’mon Dad! Your daughter can kick higher than that. Your daughter can kick higher than Clumsy McGee over there. You definitely can.
You back up a little for a good running start.
You run.
You jump.
You kick.
Your leg misses the pad… you miss your dad’s arm all together.
You jump over it instead.
You almost fall.
But you land with grace.
You look at him with a small “I told you so” face.

You can’t tell if he’s ashamed of himself because he thought less of you or he’s ashamed of you because you decide to do things your way.

You figured out why he didn’t want to become a famous kung- fu fighting movie teen superstar.

12 June 2006

How to say your first word. (That other people understand.)

1. Be strong to your own native language.
2. Be cultured to learn of others.
3. Be open minded.
4. Be sucked into their cult.

You are playing with your face as usual. Your parents come towards you. Do not mind them. Keep playing with your face.

“Chugulampaboogigaha!(1)” they say.

What the hell does that mean? Maybe they are trying to tell you that you are pootienana(2) or that you look a young balooga(3)or that you just won a million nipples(4)! Muahahaha!

Speak English Mom and Dad... if those are even their names.
It is annoying but it’s not abnormal. This happens all the time, ever since you got out of the womb. They open their mouths and sounds come out but intelligence does not. Neither does googoogaga(5).
You can definitely use a googoogaga right about now.

But you are already half a year old. If this continues, how are you even going to pee on the mootootoo(6)? You wanted to do that for such a long time now.
That could be a problem.

All right fine. Learn a little. Adapt to their language a little but still stay true to your native language.
Memorize the way their lips move and match it with the sounds produce.
Point at things. They tend to tell you what it is you are pointing at.
Trust. If you point at a bababee(7) and they say electric toxic acid boiler outlet. Believe it. Even if it does not make sense at all.

All this learning is making you hungry.
Uh Oh.
But food is one of the categories of words you promised yourself that you wouldn’t change.
“Pragluekaslumavideoipod!(8)” you say.
They don’t understand.
Damn it.
Well. This is going to go against all of what you lie down on your back for. And no matter how unjustified this seems. No matter how shameful. You give in.
You must. It will happen sooner or later.
You open your mouth.
Let air pass through your vocal passage.
Press in your diaphragm.
Purse your lips.
Lift your tongue.
And let them understand you for the first time.

“There are too much enzymes in my milk.(9)”

1. Stop scratching your face!
2. Adopted
3. Chef Boyardee
4. You are perverted
5. Boobie
6. Sofa
7. Electric toxic acid boiler outlet
8. Feed me bitches!
9. I hate most dairy products.

05 June 2006

How to be on Television.

1. Volunteer.
2. Cheat.
3. Wear stylish clothes.
4. Trip, fall, let everyone come down with you.
5. Continue to dream.

It's your chance. Your big break. You get to be on TV.
All you have to do is read the following 3 books:
Book # 1 Trumpet of the Swan by E.B. White.
Book # 2 Island of the Blue Dolphins by Scott O'Dell.
Book # 3 Encyclopedia Brown takes the case (volume10) by Donald J. Sobol.

Oh boy! You love Encyclopedia Brown! The mysteries! The cases! How smart you can evaluate yourself to be! It's no Nate the Great, your other fave detective hero, but still, this is your chance to let EVERYONE know how smart you are. Not street smart nor head smart nor book smart. Wait. Well, yes- book smart. That would make sense.
You skim through the other two books.
Ok. Never mind. Not book smart.
You fucking hate animals.
How are you going to read and remember it?
Give the books to Mom.
She likes to read.
Read the books “together” like a family... aka have your mom read all three books and then have her write out the main ideas, main characters, important dialogue, and draw pictures of dinosaurs.
You love dinosaurs.
Your 5th grade self is set.

“Welcome to the SQET channel.”
What does that stand for? Sam Quits Ebonics Tanfastically.
“Southwest Queens Educational Television.”
“It's our monthly game show, Books on parade.”
Chuckle to yourself. Literature with feet, holding flags and batons? Hilarious.
“From P.S. 114 we have Timmy, Robert, Christine and Peter.”
Pshhh. They are wearing matching green outfits. Dorkus- a- um.
“Hello. My name is Lydia Greenblatt. We'll introduce P.S. 232 later, let's begin the game.”
“PS 232- what camper did not like birds?”
“Applegate Skinner.”
Way to go Mel!
“PS 114- How much does it cost to hire Encyclopedia Brown?”
“25 cents?”
F'ing easy Peter! You don’t even need to read the book to know that.
You have not answered any questions yet. You have no idea what is going on.

“Group question.”
YES! Groups are awesome.
“What clue helped Encyclopedia Brown solve this case?”
You know this one.
Melissa looks at you. “No, it's the fogged glasses.”
“Heat! Heat! Heat!”
Ben doesn't say anything.
Randa looks at you. She looks at your thick glasses. Your tapered bangs. Your stylish flower sweater vest. “Heat?”
“Heat! Heat! Heat!”
“Times up. PS 232- your answer please.”
“Heat?” your team leader asks.
“Nope. Can PS 114 take this?”
“Fogged glasses.”
Everyone shoots you a look.
What? In Encyclopedia Brown case #54, he clearly discovered the clue because there were the fogged glasses… but what made the glasses fog up? The freaking heat!
You want to explain that to your fellow teammates but now they're doing your school's introductions.

“Hi. My… name is… Angel Yau. My… favorite hobbies… are…. reading, writing and… singing. My favorite author is Charles Dickens.”
“And what is he most recent book you read by him? “
“Oliver Twist.”
Lies. Lies. Lies. Charles Dickens is a great writer. He creates stories your mom connects to. He makes good cartoons too. Boy, can that cat act like an orphan. Beautiful. But you haven’t read any of his books. You probably can’t even read. You are not sure if it’s that or if you're just lazy or you get bored easily. Come on. Books are Mother F’ing A boring.

Time to redeem yourself.
“Who was Sam’s 1st grade teacher?”
“Mrs. Hammerbethen.”
YES. 10 points!
“The Cricket.”
10 points!
10 points!
Another group question.
You don’t know it. Your group doesn’t know it. Whatever. You’re on a roll. Hot. Hot Hot.
You just have to answer one more question and you’ll be the star.
“What is the camp director’s name?”
“Mr. Bris…tle?”
“No. I’m sorry. It’s Mr. Brickle.”
What? Just a few vowels and consonants off!
Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck.
It’s all over.

Final score-
PS 114:
PS 232:
Group dorkus-a-um wins. They win books, fame and self- esteem.
Something you’ve longed. Desired.

31 May 2006

How to get the best of heredity.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

1. Let your hereditors know.
2. Select the finest to show people.
3. Be proud.
4. Select the used to hide it.
5. Be ashamed.

What is happening? Your chest hurts like falling into a vat of forgotten birthdays. And you seem to be in need of some sort of support system.
Say, “Mom, Dad… I need a brassieropter.”
(Do not look like a fool and say bra!)
Go to the “Little Shop of Little Brassieres for Little Girls Store” store.
Just kidding.
There is no such thing.
Go to J.C. Penny.
Be astounded. The colors! The variety! The combinations! Pink with blue swirls! Neon green with purple bows! Lace! Net! Barbies! My Little Pony! Bras that tell you what day it is or what type of compound sentences you should use to advance in life.

Don’t go crazy. Pick a simple one.
White with a little pink ribbon on the front and a ninja-fighting dragon on the back.
Go home and don’t even go to the bathroom to test the little baby out.
Go to the living room, in front of my mom, pop, lil’ sis, Marge- the nosy neighbor, Lewis and Clark, Bob Parker, underprivileged children and just strip.
Stand up tall. Stand up proud.

What the fuck? Pain?
Check your boobs… not your boobs. But your back.
That little booger was scratching your back. And it hurt like that ugly bootleg Disney character double stitch orange sweater your Aunt Poopie Head gave you. The bra was just too small for you. You underestimated the length of your torso.

But you don’t care. For you are wearing a bra! Miss. Fefe Rose Princess Cool Awesome Bodacious Yeah was wearing a bra! (You call yourself that. Why? Who knows?) A fucking 12-dollar bra.
Can’t return it now.
But Mom wear bras… put one of hers on.
Put your mama’s bra on your boobies.
It snaps in the front too!

And not to offend mama, but she got some small boobies. All her bras are padded. We’re talking turbo super enhanced, surround sound, can store a small Mexican family padded. And you are that little girl who stuffs her chest with oranges, McDonalds happy meal toys and your turtle, Michelangelo Pop Rocks.
Keep wearing your Mom's bras.

Grow up without knowing the actual size of your boobs.
You don’t want to know anyway.
In your eyes you are a 67-Z triple axle loop.
Plus, you rather not know your real size than face the truth.

30 April 2006

How to mend a broken heart: Part 2.

1. Want something real.
2. Be uncomfortable.
3. Have uncontrollable desire.

You want real food. You want ham and peas and mashed potatoes and chow fun with beef. But Dad said you have to eat the food on the tray. He said you have to drink the Hawaiian punch in the pee cup. You know it’s a pee cup, because you remember peeing in one of those cups. And you know there is something wrong with that Hawaiian punch because you saw Mom mashing medicine in it.
Don’t say anything.
Just take it.

Wake up feeling very uncomfortable. You are breathing inside a balloon, it seems like, that’s someone is pushing onto. You see your parents through a glass window. They are blurry so you don’t know how they are feeling.
Feel tired.
Close your eyes.
Open them.
The doctors tuned into Muppets. They are boggling up and down around you.
Look up and see the fluorescent light, then see two black specs in the light.
“That’s your Dad. And that’s your Mom. They’re flying jets with you,” a Muppet said. “We are actually in jets too.”
Look out the window from the operation room. And see the building opening its wings and begin flying.

In bed. There are only two things you want at this moment: to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on television and apple juice.
You can’t move.
You shout. “Please, I’m so bored and I’m so thirsty.”
They give you a videotape of your heroes.
You have already watched this episode several times before but you cannot complain. “She’s not suppose to eat or drink anything for at least 12 hours,” the nurses say.
You look at your Dad.
“But Dad, my mouth is so dry.”
It is super dry.
You feel like you have no saliva glands at all.
Crazy wa la bang bang! You like saying that combination of words.
You take your father’s hands. Put his pointer finger in your mouth. “See, Dad isn’t dry?” He smiles.
“I need apple juice so bad.”
After 2 episodes of Ninja Turtles, they give you apple juice in a test tube.
You drink it in one gulp.
Then you throw up in a chamber pot.

(Disclaimer: This is an actual photo taken after my surgery. I look bloated because of the antibiotics. I'm really not a fat kid. Really.)

23 April 2006

How to mend a broken heart: Part 1.

1. Try to find out why.
2. Be bored with yourself and others.
3. Meet a new pipsqueak.
4. Become hated.

Your heart is broken. Well, more of your heart’s valves won’t close all the way, so they have to fix it. At least that’s what you overheard from your parents. You’re not sure what you are doing in the hospital.
No one told you anything.

“We have to use this big needle, it’s a little risky, but she’ll …”
“What big needle Mom?”
She ignores you.
“What big needle Dad?”
“Don’t worry about it,” he says.

You go to the “Play Pen” so you can stop watching Jeopardy with your parents. You like Wheel of Fortune better because you know how to shout out letters and sometimes you get the right letter, but you can never guess the phrase. You don’t even know what a phrase is. You want to play Lite Brite but pieces and stuff are missng and there’s electricity involved and you just realize this toy is nothing but a big light bulb. Boring. Your parents never understand any of the board games. You tried to teach them how to play Monopoly once, but ended up throwing the money all over the place and yelling, "Pow wow yow yow rocket shoes boom boom!" like you were Scrooge in Ducktails, although he does not shout those words. You wish you could dive into money.

You meet a new friend, but he’s annoying. He’s smaller than you are. He smells. He keeps saying, “Butterfingers! You’re butterfingers!” You’re too shy to respond. You don’t talk. You don’t know how to. You haven’t really interacted with other kids before. Your only friends are Mutant Ninja Turtles and Stacey. And one of them isn’t real.

You don’t feel well. Clowns are going to visit you too.
Be polite. Be amazed as they take a coin out of your ear.
Your stomach is killing you. You just want to lie down. You want to cry. You want to crap all over the place. But they want you to walk around the room. They want you to laugh with the clowns like the other children.
You can’t.
You feel bad.
Which is probably why clowns hate you.

18 April 2006

How to put meaning in your life.

1.Have a special visitor.
2.Pick a name out of a hat.

A special guest was going to come into class today. A real Native American. And she would talk all about Native American things. You are the type that thought if acted extra special… and when you say extra special- you mean extra quiet and polite with a curious face on, that this new adult person would appreciate who you are, especially this spiritual Native American with a higher Native American power.
Sit in a circle with the rest of your classmates.
Pick a piece of paper from the hat that she gives you.
She said which ever you pick, was the name you were meant to be with.
She said she would explain what the names meant.
You are excited.
You know she was going tell everyone that your name meant “Super- Star” or “Pretty- Looking” or at least “The Girl everyone should be friends with because she is cool.”
Open the piece of paper.
Sitting Red Bull.
“Adam has Running Horse, which means he is a fast thinker and he owns freedom.”
Your classmate all gasps.
It’s your turn.
Michael McHansen raises his hand.
“Yes? The boy with the stripped shirt.”
“Are you friends with Pochahontas?”
What? What a stupid question you think.
She answers.
“Okay, next, yeah, let’s see. Sean?”
She skipped you. She totally skipped you.
What the fuck?
You’re not the type that would raise your hand go “hey lady what about me?” And your class definitely is not the type that would go “hey, you forgot about her, go back to her, tell her what her life means!”
Things left uncovered.
You will never know what Sitting Red Bull means…
what you mean.

09 April 2006

How to survive 1st grade.

1. Don’t mess yourself.

If the desire to go to the bathroom hits, you must raise your hand to ask for the bathroom pass and then pick a partner to go to the bathroom with you.
A too complicated process.
You decided to just hold it in.
You are cutting out a Leprechaun mask. Your stomach rumbles. You ignore. You feel like you have to fart. You let out a little.
Uh oh.
It was not a fart.
You levitate a little.
What did you get yourself into?

“The cut around the beard of the leprechaun is the most important, no one can go anywhere.“
You’re in trouble.
You feel something go down a pant leg. You catch it with a tissue before it falls out. This happens two or three times. You cannot completely sit down now or else you’ll smash it.
You wait a bit.
You have to go to the bathroom. You call out to the teacher. You pick whomever.

You slowly get up- you can’t have anything come out. You slowly walk out, holding your behind. You get to the bathroom. You take off your pants and your underwear and just dumped it all in the toilet. Emily senses something is wrong. She swings open the bathroom stall door and looks at your bare butt. You look at her like you do not know what to do and you need her help. She helps you. She helps you wipe your butt. As she’s wiping, you can’t help but like the attention a little.

Last week Tracy Sarantago threw up on herself and Mrs. Fried even gave her new clothes to change into and gave her permission to go home early. Maybe Mrs. Fried will give you new pants. You decided not to wear you underwear because it is badly soiled. You just wear your pants.
You hold up the messy underwear and march into class, a little proud.
Mrs. Fried walks to her closet, pulls out a plastic bag and tells you to put it in.
No new pants.
No going home early.
No special attention.
Just poopie pants.

03 April 2006

How to walk.

1. Can't.
2. Don't.
3. Won't.

Crawling is so easy. So fast. So fun. Why on earth would they want you do to that thing they do… with legs? Walking. You know you have to learn at some point but… do you really? What if you’re the first person who crawls their way to success? That’s quite a title. You think.

Actually, it’s better if you don’t know how to walk at all. For humanity safety. Because when you try to get up and walk, you fall. You knock things over. You hurt. You cry. You annoy the bajeezus out of people.
Exactly. Fuck Walking. Plus you don’t want to get your shoes dirty.

"Angel walk for me, won't you?"
"Don't tell me what to do."
"It's easy... see? let me hold your hand."
"Don't touch me!"
"She's gonna grow up stupid, isn't she?"
"Alright. Alright. I'll walk. You don't have to call me names."

26 March 2006

How to make wishes come true.

1. Wish on a twinkling star.
2. Watch Ghostwriter.
3. Write.
4. Do not believe.

You can always use the default- wishing upon the star.
Star light. Star bright. The first start I see tonight. I wish I may. I wish I might. I wish… you quickly run down a list of things you want. Toys. Boyfriend. Friends. Puppy. To be on TV. You always end up saying, “I just want to be happy. Just make everything okay.” Just because it is easier, you don’t want to specify one thing and leave anything out.

Or you write letters.

You get the idea from the 1992 TV series on PBS, “Ghostwriter.”
Ghostwriter was the story of a group of New York City kids, brought together by the spiritual being known as “Ghostwriter.” The kids work together, with Ghostwriter's help, to solve the mysteries they encounter. The series featured a cast of widely different ethnic groups, and focused on the concept of “making reading fun.”
Episode number 1: Jamal sees some strange masked creatures in the park and finds a THABTO button where the masked creatures were. Also, Jamal's sister, Danitra, goes to college and leaves him her computer. On the first day he gets a weird message asking, "Where are the children, are they OK?” Lenni Frazier, a schoolmate of Jamal's, is also contacted by the strange ghost-like creature. Who is this mysterious being? Meanwhile, elementary student Gaby Fernandez gets her backpack stolen on her way to school.

Since Ghostwriter can only communicate to people through writing, you decide to try and contact the outer spirit through writing.

Dear Ghostwriter,
I know I’m not part of the Ghostwriter team, but please read my voice. I am a girl. I wish I could have friends. I don’t have any. My parents don’t have any friends either. They are always to themselves. They buy me toys and books and I play pretend, but that’s not enough. Send me a mystery to solve.
Your friend,
Angel Yau

You just want someone to understand and appreciate who you are. Ghostwriter should. He probably read everything you have ever written in your 7 years of life.

“Dad, why don’t we believe in God?”
“Well, why would we believe in someone else?”
“Because he makes things better.”
“Don’t believe in anyone or anything else but yourself.”

19 March 2006

How to get food.

1. Ask.
2. Embellish.
3. Take desperate measures.

Mom is in the kitchen cooking dinner. It’s white rice and some sort of marinated chicken intestine. Dad is in the dining room reading the newspaper. You told your mom that you were hungry but she said you have to wait. You cannot wait. You’re hungry now! But she wouldn’t let you eat ANYTHING! Be mad at her. You want to die of starvation to show her that she should have at least fed you bread.
Decide to pretend faint. Just to see what they would do.
You go to the living room and try to naturally fall down.
But that seems like it would hurt.
So you just lie down on your stomach. Slowly.
You close your eyes.
You wait.
You hear your mom putting the cover on the pot.
You hear your dad flipping newspaper pages.
You wait.
You hear your mom sitting down at the table with dad.
Dad is flipping pages.
You wait.
You hear your mom setting the table with bowls and eating utensils.
Your dad begins to eat.
You wait.
You wait.
You wait.
You open one eye.
Open the other.
Stand up.
Go to the dining room and put white rice in your bowl.

13 March 2006

How to play the Supermarket Game.

1. Play with a group
2. Choose someone to start by saying, “I’m going to the supermarket to buy (item beginning with “a.”)
3. The next person will then say, “I’m going to the supermarket to buy (item beginning with "a" named by first student) and (item beginning with "b.")
4. Continue with each person recalling all previously mentioned items and adding another item in alphabetical order. If someone misses an item or cannot think of an item to add, he or she is out.
5. The last remaining student wins a supermarket.

This is a game that tests your memory and your random funniness. Ever since you played that game at Madeline Sinclair’s 11th birthday party, you felt stupid and boring. You’d forget what letter comes after H. You would say mundane things like, “I am going to buy apples or eggs.”

While Sean McDonna would say zany things like “I am going to buy a Russian Mail- Order Bride or Dan Quail."
What the hell is a Dan Quail?
Begin a “Supermarket things” journal. Make a list. Write:

Memorize it. Now you are totally ready. Nothing will be in your way.

Remember to act like you just thought of it on the spot though.

Danielle: “Angel, want to play the supermarket game with us?”

You: (Oh boy!) Nods.

Sean: “I’ll start. I’m going to the supermarket to buy an ad for smoking!”

You: Share a chuckle with others.

Danielle: I’m going to the supermarket to buy an ad for smoking, and a beaver.”

You: (Boring!) Smiles.

You: "I’m going to the supermarket to buy an ad for smoking, a beaver and (case of…carriage of... coffin of… can of... can of… can of…) cancer patients!"

They look at you.


Madeline continues.

Dummy! Cancer Patients? Madeline probably has cancer! Or her mom! Or she cares for cancer patients on her free time while you write in your “supermarket things” journal! You are so horrible. You could’ve said coffin of the red ranger, case of the creeper jeepers (which is clever as well), even can of baby corn would do!

You’ll be more prepared. Hopefully you’ll get the chance to say Kerry Shrug the next time it comes your way.

08 March 2006

How to have a justified birthday

1. Take a risk
2. Pick your own.
3. Wait.
4. Be thoughtful.

5. Decide on chocolate or vanilla icing.

It is Juno’s birthday. You have been waiting for this day. Because on your birthday you picked Diana to help you pass out the cupcakes. And you picked Juno to help you go around the classes to give out the extra cupcakes. Diana didn’t pick you for both jobs because she’s too cool for you and she already has two best friends.
And you knew it.
But you still took the risk.
Now, it’s up to Juno. You calculated in your head. She has no other close friends. And you exchange at least one sentence to her everyday.Plus, there are only 5 more birthdays left of the year.
And they’re all boys.
You need this.

Class begins.
She puts down the Macy boxes, you know that are full of cupcakes.
You wait.
Lunch time.
Don’t be too forward.
“Hey, who are you going to pick to pass out cupcakes and go around the classes with you?”
“Probably Diana and Stephanie.”

Hold in your screams.
“Yeah, they already asked me.”
“But I picked you for mine.”
“Well. They asked me first. They…”

You don’t hear what she says.
It doesn’t make sense at all.
You calculated.
What happened?
Recess time? More like hoping that cupcake goes up her butt time.

Back in class.
Mrs. Lax sees your face.
“Are you alright?”
You nod as you eat your chocolate frosted doughnut.

26 February 2006

How to prioritize

1. Make to-do lists.
2. Make lists, charts, graphs, Venn diagrams, etc.
3. Calculate.
4. Know how to rank things according to their importance.

You make a schedule for everything- what you will be doing between 7- 7:10, when you will pee, how many steps it will take you to walk to the bathroom and how long THAT will take. You like to be on top of things. However you know it is just a device to make you feel better. Mini accomplishments.
You never follow it.

You like to pinpoint exactly how you feel throughout the day. Why? So you are prepared. No surprises. “It’s English class and oh, I feel the overwhelming pressure to cry a little but I am not shocked about this feeling because I made a graph on my emotions throughout the school day so I already know.” 1 being manic depressive and 10 being happy.

You like to calculate exactly how many times you did things so far in life.
How many showers taken:
You lived 10 years.
If taken 1 shower each day.
And there are approximately 365 days in a year.
365 X 10= 3,650
Probably missed a couple due to: having no access to a bathroom, being away from home, being lazy, toilet monsters, etc.
3,650- 50= 3,600
Probably had a couple of extras due to: getting wet from the rain, falling into ditches, being bored, clowns, etc.
3,600+ 15= 3,615
Total amount of showers you have taken in the 10 years you have lived:

You like to give yourself dilemmas. Strange ones.
Example 1: If you had to choose a piece of clothing forever to wear, how would you decide what would be the most important factor of a piece of clothing?
Ans: A. Style/the way the clothing is cut.
B. Color/print/pattern.
C. Fabric/material used.
Style is always the most important. It can show off your good body features. It’s what makes your piece of clothing unique. But if you have it cut badly then you might look like a slutty Mc.Slut Slut.

Although, colors are pretty important as well. Because certain colors can bring out your skin tone and eyes. It is what captures people’s attention. But if you have a poopie color or a seagull floral print, people might puke on you.

Fabric is really not important at all, only if you are concerned about comfort. But you are not.


19 February 2006

How to disappoint your Dad.

1. Start your Social Studies homework in the living room.
2. Let your Dad come up to you and say, “Let me tell you a story.”
3. Listen attentively. Eli Whitney and the cotton gin can wait.

“Once upon a time, there was a poor man who lived by himself in the mountains. He worked at the farms everyday. It was always a daily routine for him. He was becoming increasingly sick. One day, one of the goats escaped from his yard and the old man had to search for it. The old man finally found the goat inside a cave where there were three pear trees. The first tree had green pears- it represented money. The second tree had golden yellow pears, which represented health, and the third one had red pears, which represented love. Suddenly, a fairy came down and told him that he can pick one and only one of these trees. Before I tell you what he chose, tell me what you would choose.”

You calculate in your brain. “Does health mean you get to live really long or possess super powers as well?”
You check your pulse.
Still alive.
You think to yourself. “I can definitely rule out love because I know I don’t need it.”
You keep thinking.
“I really want that new Ballerina Barbie and if I have money I can get so many of them and even that Barbie dream house… or a real dream house! Okay this makes sense. Well done Angel.”
“I’d choose the green pear tree.”
“You mean the money one?”
“You would choose it over health… and love?”
“Yeah. Of course!”
Your Dad nods. He walks away without telling you what the poor, lonely, sick man chose. He walks away disappointed.

You don’t understand why.

12 February 2006

How to lose your native tongue

1. Enter Kindergarten- P.S. 232
2. Get sent to ESL class
3. Take the final ESL exam
4. Become a lazy mofo

Mrs. O’Hara sends you to ESL class. English as a second language. It probably helps. Because sometimes the teacher would talk to you and you have no idea what she would be talking about. Sometimes the other people in the class would point at you and you would get in trouble but you don’t know why. Sometimes you see a leaf rake on a worksheet and you’re not sure what you are supposed to write in the blank- a word? The letter L? Yes? No? Robots?

Take the final exam of ESL by Ms. Champie:
Ms. C: “What color is the sky?”
You: “Blue”
Ms. C: “Correct. Where do you borrow books?”
You: “At the library.”
Ms. C: “Correct. Locate your ankles.”

You are sitting down. You feel a little lazy, so you keep sitting. Your hands stretch out as far as you can to reach your ankles but they touch your knees instead.
Eh, she’ll know what you mean… you think.
Scribble. Scribble.
But you know where your ankles were. You were just too lazy to stand up.
You never find out if that was what caused you to continue ESL to the first grade.

It was too hard. Too hard to think to yourself in Chinese. There were many words you couldn’t articulate in Chinese. English is so much easier. You think faster in that language too. You decide to let go. You talk to yourself in English. Always. Except for the rare occasions in which there were words you cannot articulate in English, but only in Chinese like “leaf rake.”

05 February 2006

How to survive Nursery School

1. Enroll at Dolphin Day Care Nursery School.
2. Mind your own business.
3. Observe.

Sarah takes Lily’s pretty pen and puts it in her book bag. You want to say, “Sarah, stealing is for losers.”

But you don’t.

“Johnny. You’re so stupid. Apples are red. Why did you color that in yellow?”
You want to say, “there are yellow apples too Carl, they’re called Golden Delicious.”

But you don’t.

Ralph is crying again. Ms. Jenkins and her assistant Mrs. Jones tries to make him stop by giving him a cookie, crayons and Carmie the crazy camel doll. You want to say, “He really just wants that balloon tied to Ms. Jenkin’s flower basket. You see it in his eyes. “

But you don’t.

29 January 2006

How to play MASH

  1. Write the letters M-A-S-H at the top of the page. (This, of course, stands for Mansion Apartment Shack House.)
  2. Name four boys or girls you would like to marry, four careers you'd like to have, four cities in which you would like to live, and four cars you'd like to drive.
  3. Begin to draw a spiral until you feel the need to stop because the spirit moves you. Start at the top of the spiral and count down the number of lines that have been drawn.
  4. Using that number, start counting at the M in MASH and go all through your choices. Each time you count to that number, cross out the choice you stopped on. When there is only one choice left in each section- those will be your predictions in life.

You think that’s way too ahead in your life to matter to you. Plus you don’t even know what car there is to drive nor do you care. So you revamp some of the categories into:

Sometime you put choices you do not want like doctor or Chris Mitchell just to make it a challenge AND realistic. Even though this game is called “MASH.” It should really be called “Comforting yourself with hope for a future.”

Looks pretty good so far. Because you will be dating Jonathan Taylor Thomas, majoring in art with an A on your report card because you are smart and today will be adventurous.


22 January 2006

How to be born

1. Choose a place of birth.
2. Choose a host.
3. Decide how to enter in style.

You see light at 10am on the dot. On March 6, 1985. At the downtown New York City Hospital. Your mother is Sun Yung Wong. Your father is Kang Hong Yau. You have 10 fingers. 10 toes. 2 eyes. Bald. Compassion.

You come into the world silent. There is no need to make a big fuss out of it. You do not need attention. You are okay. A little slimy but okay. Apparently Nurse Sanders thought other wise. She holds you upside down by the legs and smacks your behind.

You are in pain.
You cry out.
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