28 June 2006

How to get married.

1. Find something old.
2. Find something new.
3. Find something borrowed.
4. Find something blue.
5. Find something to eat.

Finally. The perfect white dress. On the perfect day. With the
perfect company. Bugs Bunny, Lucy the headless ballerina and four
and half bars of ivory soap.

Sure it's a little early, but it's really never too early… for Halloween!

You are so excited that you try on the dress. You tell your Dad to
set up the video camera while you eat more soap bars.

You just want to say the words "I do" so bad.
That means you are a grown- up.
"Now Dad, you're suppose to say- do you take this loft fully wetted as a husband.
And I say I do.
And then you lift this white lace thing off my face.
And then you say now you are a bride.
And then I throw the bouquet.
And then I dance."
(Oh how you love to dance.)

"Who are you going to marry?"
"Will you take me as your loft fully wetted husband?"
"Ew, no Dad, it's not like that."
"Then, what is it like?"
"Do you take Mom?"
"No. No."
"Then who?"

You forgot about that part. Think. Who do you know? You want a
male. That eliminates half. You want someone around your age group.
You want someone that you talked to and had fun with. Someone you've
known for at least a few days? Right? Is that it? Yeah that about
simmers it down to one person.
Your cousin, Vinny*.
"Um, I think Vinny…"
"Vinny! Hahaha."
"Do you take Vinny as your husband?"
"I do."
"You like Vinny?"
Your face turns red.
You hide it under your white lace thing.
You wish you had said you would marry your mom.

* Name has been changed for protection.

19 June 2006

How to be a ninja.

1. Learn Chinese Kung- Fu.
2. Jump really high.
3. Hate power rangers.

“Nobody move!”

The masked man pulled out a gun and pointed at everyone on the bus. The Q41. “Nobody move… except for Mr. Bus driver, keep driving… nobody move, give me all your money. Put it in this big bag with the money sign on it.”
Someone screams.
“Shut- up! Or I’ll eat your brains!”
You stumble. You catch his eye. He grabs you. “If you people don’t hurry… I’ll shoot this girl.” You glance at the gun. There was a sticker on it. It says Made in Toys R’ Us. You take the risk. You grab his arm, twist it around, drop down on the floor, do a swing kick, grab his gun, he falls to the ground, you step on his chest, point the gun to his face, while everyone cheers and cops show up out of nowhere and arrest the masked fellow.

You are a phenomenon. A little kid saves a whole bus. All over the news, they ask you, why you were so brave. You say to them, “It’s quite simple really- I saw his gun was a fake-he was a fake- so I just use my skills to beat him.”

Sometimes you are a power ranger. Sometimes instead of a bus, you are on a spaceship.

Sure to others you may seem like a scrawny little four-eyed dweeb but you know you have it deep down inside you. Fighting powers. One day that will happen. Fame. Saving lives. You love to save lives. It’s your 2nd fave hobby.

“I want to be her.” You point to Trina, the yellow ranger. “Why do you want be her? They already got one of yous,” your mom says. You look at her confused. “You probably could have been though, you know your Dad was offered to be in a movie with Jackie Chan before he was famous in the states back when your Daddy was a teen.” “Why didn’t he take it?” “Maybe because he thought Jackie Chan was ugly? I don’t know.”

Your Dad opens a Kung- Fu school right next to your dance school and your music school. You go to it because there is nothing else to do on Saturday afternoons and you figure you can use some ninja practice. But you hate learning from your Dad; it’s like learning math from your Mom. Unbearable. And with other kids around? Embarrassing! Good thing they won’t be able to tell you’re Kang’s daughter.

It’s time for the daily meditation.
Sit Indian- style.
Close your eyes.
Face you palms against each other.
Clear your mind.
Clear your mind…. Clear….
Chocolate ice cream. Sweet sweet chocolate ice cream. You can’t wait to go home.

It’s your turn to kick the kicking pad your Da… Master… no that’s silly... your Dad is holding. He lowers the pad. What? C’mon Dad! Your daughter can kick higher than that. Your daughter can kick higher than Clumsy McGee over there. You definitely can.
You back up a little for a good running start.
You run.
You jump.
You kick.
Your leg misses the pad… you miss your dad’s arm all together.
You jump over it instead.
You almost fall.
But you land with grace.
You look at him with a small “I told you so” face.

You can’t tell if he’s ashamed of himself because he thought less of you or he’s ashamed of you because you decide to do things your way.

You figured out why he didn’t want to become a famous kung- fu fighting movie teen superstar.

12 June 2006

How to say your first word. (That other people understand.)

1. Be strong to your own native language.
2. Be cultured to learn of others.
3. Be open minded.
4. Be sucked into their cult.

You are playing with your face as usual. Your parents come towards you. Do not mind them. Keep playing with your face.

“Chugulampaboogigaha!(1)” they say.

What the hell does that mean? Maybe they are trying to tell you that you are pootienana(2) or that you look a young balooga(3)or that you just won a million nipples(4)! Muahahaha!

Speak English Mom and Dad... if those are even their names.
It is annoying but it’s not abnormal. This happens all the time, ever since you got out of the womb. They open their mouths and sounds come out but intelligence does not. Neither does googoogaga(5).
You can definitely use a googoogaga right about now.

But you are already half a year old. If this continues, how are you even going to pee on the mootootoo(6)? You wanted to do that for such a long time now.
That could be a problem.

All right fine. Learn a little. Adapt to their language a little but still stay true to your native language.
Memorize the way their lips move and match it with the sounds produce.
Point at things. They tend to tell you what it is you are pointing at.
Trust. If you point at a bababee(7) and they say electric toxic acid boiler outlet. Believe it. Even if it does not make sense at all.

All this learning is making you hungry.
Uh Oh.
But food is one of the categories of words you promised yourself that you wouldn’t change.
“Pragluekaslumavideoipod!(8)” you say.
They don’t understand.
Damn it.
Well. This is going to go against all of what you lie down on your back for. And no matter how unjustified this seems. No matter how shameful. You give in.
You must. It will happen sooner or later.
You open your mouth.
Let air pass through your vocal passage.
Press in your diaphragm.
Purse your lips.
Lift your tongue.
And let them understand you for the first time.

“There are too much enzymes in my milk.(9)”

1. Stop scratching your face!
2. Adopted
3. Chef Boyardee
4. You are perverted
5. Boobie
6. Sofa
7. Electric toxic acid boiler outlet
8. Feed me bitches!
9. I hate most dairy products.

05 June 2006

How to be on Television.

1. Volunteer.
2. Cheat.
3. Wear stylish clothes.
4. Trip, fall, let everyone come down with you.
5. Continue to dream.

It's your chance. Your big break. You get to be on TV.
All you have to do is read the following 3 books:
Book # 1 Trumpet of the Swan by E.B. White.
Book # 2 Island of the Blue Dolphins by Scott O'Dell.
Book # 3 Encyclopedia Brown takes the case (volume10) by Donald J. Sobol.

Oh boy! You love Encyclopedia Brown! The mysteries! The cases! How smart you can evaluate yourself to be! It's no Nate the Great, your other fave detective hero, but still, this is your chance to let EVERYONE know how smart you are. Not street smart nor head smart nor book smart. Wait. Well, yes- book smart. That would make sense.
You skim through the other two books.
Ok. Never mind. Not book smart.
You fucking hate animals.
How are you going to read and remember it?
Give the books to Mom.
She likes to read.
Read the books “together” like a family... aka have your mom read all three books and then have her write out the main ideas, main characters, important dialogue, and draw pictures of dinosaurs.
You love dinosaurs.
Your 5th grade self is set.

“Welcome to the SQET channel.”
What does that stand for? Sam Quits Ebonics Tanfastically.
“Southwest Queens Educational Television.”
“It's our monthly game show, Books on parade.”
Chuckle to yourself. Literature with feet, holding flags and batons? Hilarious.
“From P.S. 114 we have Timmy, Robert, Christine and Peter.”
Pshhh. They are wearing matching green outfits. Dorkus- a- um.
“Hello. My name is Lydia Greenblatt. We'll introduce P.S. 232 later, let's begin the game.”
“PS 232- what camper did not like birds?”
“Applegate Skinner.”
Way to go Mel!
“PS 114- How much does it cost to hire Encyclopedia Brown?”
“25 cents?”
F'ing easy Peter! You don’t even need to read the book to know that.
You have not answered any questions yet. You have no idea what is going on.

“Group question.”
YES! Groups are awesome.
“What clue helped Encyclopedia Brown solve this case?”
You know this one.
Melissa looks at you. “No, it's the fogged glasses.”
“Heat! Heat! Heat!”
Ben doesn't say anything.
Randa looks at you. She looks at your thick glasses. Your tapered bangs. Your stylish flower sweater vest. “Heat?”
“Heat! Heat! Heat!”
“Times up. PS 232- your answer please.”
“Heat?” your team leader asks.
“Nope. Can PS 114 take this?”
“Fogged glasses.”
Everyone shoots you a look.
What? In Encyclopedia Brown case #54, he clearly discovered the clue because there were the fogged glasses… but what made the glasses fog up? The freaking heat!
You want to explain that to your fellow teammates but now they're doing your school's introductions.

“Hi. My… name is… Angel Yau. My… favorite hobbies… are…. reading, writing and… singing. My favorite author is Charles Dickens.”
“And what is he most recent book you read by him? “
“Oliver Twist.”
Lies. Lies. Lies. Charles Dickens is a great writer. He creates stories your mom connects to. He makes good cartoons too. Boy, can that cat act like an orphan. Beautiful. But you haven’t read any of his books. You probably can’t even read. You are not sure if it’s that or if you're just lazy or you get bored easily. Come on. Books are Mother F’ing A boring.

Time to redeem yourself.
“Who was Sam’s 1st grade teacher?”
“Mrs. Hammerbethen.”
YES. 10 points!
“The Cricket.”
10 points!
10 points!
Another group question.
You don’t know it. Your group doesn’t know it. Whatever. You’re on a roll. Hot. Hot Hot.
You just have to answer one more question and you’ll be the star.
“What is the camp director’s name?”
“Mr. Bris…tle?”
“No. I’m sorry. It’s Mr. Brickle.”
What? Just a few vowels and consonants off!
Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck.
It’s all over.

Final score-
PS 114:
PS 232:
Group dorkus-a-um wins. They win books, fame and self- esteem.
Something you’ve longed. Desired.

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