How to make a Holiday ham.

1. Open a package of Oscar Mayer water boiled deli ham.
2. Lay it on a fancy plate.
3. Take some Country Crock butter and dab it on the ham.
4. Put it in the microwave for about 30 seconds or until the ham starts to explode.
5. Pretend you're a homeless child in a soup kitchen on Christmas day to make your ham more desirable to eat.

You are in Toys R’ Us. You don’t understand that store name. Because it will be Christmas, you can pick whatever you want says your parents. Anything under 40 dollars.

Start running to the Barbie aisle. Then stop.
Defy expectations.
Run to the Lego aisle. Then stop.
Remember how you can only build walls and coasters with Legos… maybe a nice 1- dimensional box?
The board game aisle. You love games.
But not if you’ll be playing it by yourself. One person Twister… not really challenging or fun.

You are at home and want to open your Barbie right away. The one that teaches 2nd grade and medicates dogs and can change her hair from blonde to rock star and she makes a mean liver casserole. Everyone thinks chicken liver is really gross but you really like it. Delicious.

You have patience.
Wrap that sucker up.

You look at your dingy Christmas tree with unmatching glass balls and socks. You call it Granny Rainbow Unicorn Fairy Dust.

You look at the bottom of Granny. One square-ish present that says, “Hello. I am awesome” on it.
You want more.

Let’s see. You got a pack of Hans underwear with mini butterflies on them the other day. Oooh and your My Little Pony band-aids. There’s a Christmas card that when you open it, it plays Joy to the World. That’s stupid. It’s not yours. You wrap it anyway. There’s a neon green marble notebook, pumpkin seeds, the Fine Young Cannibals CD, fine young cannibals, library card, book smarts, school of hard knocks, knock knock jokes and a tuna fish can. Kind of tricky to wrap.

You stand there proud with all your semi-well wrapped presents. So many presents. That’s what you really want…

What you really want are surprises. You want your parents to figure out that you longed for a box of slim jims and surprise you with them. But how can you tell your parents that. How can you say, “Hey Mom, Dad, I want a puppy and stocking stuffers like golden chocolate coins, coloring books, glow in the dark stickers, a stocking... but don’t tell me you’re getting it for me. In fact act like you don’t really care at all and when Christmas morning comes along, sneak those presents in. Also, write down that they are from Santa if you can. Thanks, that would be perfect.”

It’s Christmas morning. No one is up. You walk to your semi-well wrapped presents that say “Little Miss Loser.”
Open one slowly and meticulously.
It’s a tuna fish can.
What the fuck?
Who would give a child a tuna fish can for Christmas?