05 June 2006

How to be on Television.

1. Volunteer.
2. Cheat.
3. Wear stylish clothes.
4. Trip, fall, let everyone come down with you.
5. Continue to dream.

It's your chance. Your big break. You get to be on TV.
All you have to do is read the following 3 books:
Book # 1 Trumpet of the Swan by E.B. White.
Book # 2 Island of the Blue Dolphins by Scott O'Dell.
Book # 3 Encyclopedia Brown takes the case (volume10) by Donald J. Sobol.

Oh boy! You love Encyclopedia Brown! The mysteries! The cases! How smart you can evaluate yourself to be! It's no Nate the Great, your other fave detective hero, but still, this is your chance to let EVERYONE know how smart you are. Not street smart nor head smart nor book smart. Wait. Well, yes- book smart. That would make sense.
You skim through the other two books.
Ok. Never mind. Not book smart.
BORING.
You fucking hate animals.
How are you going to read and remember it?
Give the books to Mom.
She likes to read.
Read the books “together” like a family... aka have your mom read all three books and then have her write out the main ideas, main characters, important dialogue, and draw pictures of dinosaurs.
You love dinosaurs.
Your 5th grade self is set.

“Welcome to the SQET channel.”
What does that stand for? Sam Quits Ebonics Tanfastically.
“Southwest Queens Educational Television.”
Oh.
“It's our monthly game show, Books on parade.”
Chuckle to yourself. Literature with feet, holding flags and batons? Hilarious.
“From P.S. 114 we have Timmy, Robert, Christine and Peter.”
Pshhh. They are wearing matching green outfits. Dorkus- a- um.
“Hello. My name is Lydia Greenblatt. We'll introduce P.S. 232 later, let's begin the game.”
“PS 232- what camper did not like birds?”
“Applegate Skinner.”
Way to go Mel!
“PS 114- How much does it cost to hire Encyclopedia Brown?”
“25 cents?”
F'ing easy Peter! You don’t even need to read the book to know that.
You have not answered any questions yet. You have no idea what is going on.

“Group question.”
YES! Groups are awesome.
“What clue helped Encyclopedia Brown solve this case?”
Discuss.
You know this one.
“Heat!”
Melissa looks at you. “No, it's the fogged glasses.”
“Heat! Heat! Heat!”
Ben doesn't say anything.
Randa looks at you. She looks at your thick glasses. Your tapered bangs. Your stylish flower sweater vest. “Heat?”
“Heat! Heat! Heat!”
“Times up. PS 232- your answer please.”
“Heat?” your team leader asks.
“Nope. Can PS 114 take this?”
“Fogged glasses.”
Everyone shoots you a look.
What? In Encyclopedia Brown case #54, he clearly discovered the clue because there were the fogged glasses… but what made the glasses fog up? The freaking heat!
You want to explain that to your fellow teammates but now they're doing your school's introductions.

“Hi. My… name is… Angel Yau. My… favorite hobbies… are…. reading, writing and… singing. My favorite author is Charles Dickens.”
“And what is he most recent book you read by him? “
“Oliver Twist.”
Lies. Lies. Lies. Charles Dickens is a great writer. He creates stories your mom connects to. He makes good cartoons too. Boy, can that cat act like an orphan. Beautiful. But you haven’t read any of his books. You probably can’t even read. You are not sure if it’s that or if you're just lazy or you get bored easily. Come on. Books are Mother F’ing A boring.

Time to redeem yourself.
“Who was Sam’s 1st grade teacher?”
Buzz.
“Mrs. Hammerbethen.”
YES. 10 points!
Buzz
“The Cricket.”
10 points!
“Kimkee.”
10 points!
Another group question.
You don’t know it. Your group doesn’t know it. Whatever. You’re on a roll. Hot. Hot Hot.
You just have to answer one more question and you’ll be the star.
“What is the camp director’s name?”
Buzz.
“Mr. Bris…tle?”
“No. I’m sorry. It’s Mr. Brickle.”
What? Just a few vowels and consonants off!
Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck.
It’s all over.

Final score-
PS 114:
320
PS 232:
160
Group dorkus-a-um wins. They win books, fame and self- esteem.
Something you’ve longed. Desired.
Needed.

1 Comments:

Blogger Anna said...

ahhh...Tanfastic! :)

10:38 AM, June 05, 2006  

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