26 February 2006

How to prioritize

1. Make to-do lists.
2. Make lists, charts, graphs, Venn diagrams, etc.
3. Calculate.
4. Know how to rank things according to their importance.

You make a schedule for everything- what you will be doing between 7- 7:10, when you will pee, how many steps it will take you to walk to the bathroom and how long THAT will take. You like to be on top of things. However you know it is just a device to make you feel better. Mini accomplishments.
You never follow it.

You like to pinpoint exactly how you feel throughout the day. Why? So you are prepared. No surprises. “It’s English class and oh, I feel the overwhelming pressure to cry a little but I am not shocked about this feeling because I made a graph on my emotions throughout the school day so I already know.” 1 being manic depressive and 10 being happy.

You like to calculate exactly how many times you did things so far in life.
How many showers taken:
You lived 10 years.
If taken 1 shower each day.
And there are approximately 365 days in a year.
365 X 10= 3,650
Probably missed a couple due to: having no access to a bathroom, being away from home, being lazy, toilet monsters, etc.
3,650- 50= 3,600
Probably had a couple of extras due to: getting wet from the rain, falling into ditches, being bored, clowns, etc.
3,600+ 15= 3,615
Total amount of showers you have taken in the 10 years you have lived:

You like to give yourself dilemmas. Strange ones.
Example 1: If you had to choose a piece of clothing forever to wear, how would you decide what would be the most important factor of a piece of clothing?
Ans: A. Style/the way the clothing is cut.
B. Color/print/pattern.
C. Fabric/material used.
Style is always the most important. It can show off your good body features. It’s what makes your piece of clothing unique. But if you have it cut badly then you might look like a slutty Mc.Slut Slut.

Although, colors are pretty important as well. Because certain colors can bring out your skin tone and eyes. It is what captures people’s attention. But if you have a poopie color or a seagull floral print, people might puke on you.

Fabric is really not important at all, only if you are concerned about comfort. But you are not.


19 February 2006

How to disappoint your Dad.

1. Start your Social Studies homework in the living room.
2. Let your Dad come up to you and say, “Let me tell you a story.”
3. Listen attentively. Eli Whitney and the cotton gin can wait.

“Once upon a time, there was a poor man who lived by himself in the mountains. He worked at the farms everyday. It was always a daily routine for him. He was becoming increasingly sick. One day, one of the goats escaped from his yard and the old man had to search for it. The old man finally found the goat inside a cave where there were three pear trees. The first tree had green pears- it represented money. The second tree had golden yellow pears, which represented health, and the third one had red pears, which represented love. Suddenly, a fairy came down and told him that he can pick one and only one of these trees. Before I tell you what he chose, tell me what you would choose.”

You calculate in your brain. “Does health mean you get to live really long or possess super powers as well?”
You check your pulse.
Still alive.
You think to yourself. “I can definitely rule out love because I know I don’t need it.”
You keep thinking.
“I really want that new Ballerina Barbie and if I have money I can get so many of them and even that Barbie dream house… or a real dream house! Okay this makes sense. Well done Angel.”
“I’d choose the green pear tree.”
“You mean the money one?”
“You would choose it over health… and love?”
“Yeah. Of course!”
Your Dad nods. He walks away without telling you what the poor, lonely, sick man chose. He walks away disappointed.

You don’t understand why.

12 February 2006

How to lose your native tongue

1. Enter Kindergarten- P.S. 232
2. Get sent to ESL class
3. Take the final ESL exam
4. Become a lazy mofo

Mrs. O’Hara sends you to ESL class. English as a second language. It probably helps. Because sometimes the teacher would talk to you and you have no idea what she would be talking about. Sometimes the other people in the class would point at you and you would get in trouble but you don’t know why. Sometimes you see a leaf rake on a worksheet and you’re not sure what you are supposed to write in the blank- a word? The letter L? Yes? No? Robots?

Take the final exam of ESL by Ms. Champie:
Ms. C: “What color is the sky?”
You: “Blue”
Ms. C: “Correct. Where do you borrow books?”
You: “At the library.”
Ms. C: “Correct. Locate your ankles.”

You are sitting down. You feel a little lazy, so you keep sitting. Your hands stretch out as far as you can to reach your ankles but they touch your knees instead.
Eh, she’ll know what you mean… you think.
Scribble. Scribble.
But you know where your ankles were. You were just too lazy to stand up.
You never find out if that was what caused you to continue ESL to the first grade.

It was too hard. Too hard to think to yourself in Chinese. There were many words you couldn’t articulate in Chinese. English is so much easier. You think faster in that language too. You decide to let go. You talk to yourself in English. Always. Except for the rare occasions in which there were words you cannot articulate in English, but only in Chinese like “leaf rake.”

05 February 2006

How to survive Nursery School

1. Enroll at Dolphin Day Care Nursery School.
2. Mind your own business.
3. Observe.

Sarah takes Lily’s pretty pen and puts it in her book bag. You want to say, “Sarah, stealing is for losers.”

But you don’t.

“Johnny. You’re so stupid. Apples are red. Why did you color that in yellow?”
You want to say, “there are yellow apples too Carl, they’re called Golden Delicious.”

But you don’t.

Ralph is crying again. Ms. Jenkins and her assistant Mrs. Jones tries to make him stop by giving him a cookie, crayons and Carmie the crazy camel doll. You want to say, “He really just wants that balloon tied to Ms. Jenkin’s flower basket. You see it in his eyes. “

But you don’t.
eXTReMe Tracker